It’s that time of year again, when I undergo my millennial duty to go on a European vacation and exhaustively document it on social media. This year, however, it was the honeymoon, the lovely Breanne Anderson and I having just joined ourselves together in holy matrimony. We could think of literally no more romantic place on Earth than Italy, so we thought, Hey, let’s go see if the gelato really is as near-narcotic as people say it is.
We flew into northern Italy, into the city of Milan. And so began our adventure…
Milan
The actual city of Milan rates a solid thumbs-sideways. There’s nothing wrong with it—it’s just another generic European city where everyone is smoking and driving comically tiny cars. (Seriously. Europe is basically a giant ashtray underneath an armada of Little Tykes cars.) It’s somewhat charming in its own right, but Milan is best appreciated before you have a chance to take in the more vacation-friendly Florence or Rome. As a jumping-point to the scenic Lake Country, Milan is great (though next time we might stay right in Varenna, on the lake itself). But by itself, it’s pretty skippable. Sorry, Milan. I’m sure lots of people like you, and you’re good at stuff.
Attractions seen in Milan: Sforza Castle, Milan Duomo
Lake Como
You know that scene at the end of Casino Royale where James Bond catches up with the bad guy at an exotic lakehouse and shoots him in the leg? (It’s a great scene.) Or how about that scene in Attack of the Clones where Anakin tries to woo Padmé by comparing the smoothness of her skin to the roughness of sand? (It’s a terrible scene. I’ve tried that, and it doesn’t work.) Turns out both scenes were filmed in the same place. It’s this villa here:
All of the worst scenes of the worst Star Wars movie were filmed here, which makes it sort of a holy place, in a weird way.
That fancy house sits on the shore of Lake Como, a lovely little postcard-generating body of water about 45 minutes north of Milan. Breanne and I took a water ferry from the town of Como to the little village of Varenna, which is a honeymoon destination if there ever was one. You can stroll along a sunlit promenade, hike up to a castle with stunning panoramic views, or get lost while trying to find the tourist information center in order to locate said sunlit promenade and castle. We did all three, and we definitely didn’t spend enough time in Varenna.
Check out the stunning beauty here in Italy. (Also pictured: the town of Varenna and accompanying scenery.)
Attractions seen at Lake Como: The lake, lots of fancy houses, possibly George Clooney’s house, Vezio Castle
Florence
Florence is, in short, a wonderful place. What is about this city that earned a hearty recommendation from every Italy traveler on Facebook while I was planning the trip? What is it about Florence that earned it spot as our favorite city we visited? Maybe it’s the fact that it’s full of sights, all packed into a helpful, walk-friendly handful of square miles. If art is your jam, Florence has you covered. If cool old buildings are your thing, Florence comes through. Food? Got it. Shopping? Got that, too. Quaint little medieval-looking streets? Check. More gelato than you can possibly eat? Challenge accepted.
The centerpiece of any Florence experience is the majestic Duomo (Italian for “cathedral”), which was designed by some Renaissance guy sometime between 1000 and 1986 AD (after a while, all that stuff gets a little hazy). It’s a striking example of early Renaissance flavor, or possibly Baroque. I don’t remember, but its super amazing. The architect eschewed the typical white marble of other cathedrals in favor of an exterior that’s a striking maroon, dark green, and eggshell white.
The interior of the Duomo’s dome is an arresting 360-degree panorama depicting, among other things, the final fates of the wicked. It’s just like Where’s Waldo, except instead of a man in a striped hat you can find goodies like a frog-man beating a guy with a club, a winged goat demon devouring people whole, and some poor soul being flayed alive in graphic detail. Those Renaissance artists sure did a lot of thinking about the final fate of the wicked. I bet they were real fun at parties.
This is the happy part of the underside of the dome.
And this is the scary part.
No trip to Italy would be complete without acknowledging the contributions of Michelangelo, who labored tirelessly so future tourists would have lots of stuff to visit. No, seriously—everywhere you look there's something else he designed, painted, or sculpted. The guy was a master at everything he put his mind to. It’s surprise he’s only my third favorite Ninja Turtle.
This is the tomb of Michelangelo in the Santa Croce cathedral. The three statues represent painting, sculpture, and architecture all mourning his loss. There's no indication that Michelangelo was buried with his nunchucks, which is a shame.
We visited the Accademia, the Uffuzi Gallery, and several other places loaded full of art. We saw Michelangelo’s David in all his naked, 13-foot-tall splendor. We saw more Madonna and Childs than I knew existed. Now, I like art. But I like it in small, digestible quantities. After several days of seeing the some of the greatest art in the Western world, every random naked Greek statue starts to blur together and their explanatory plaques all sound exactly the same:
Madonna and child, ca. 1323, Florence. Marble. Created by Italian sculptor Luigi Supermario under the patronage of Lord Tywin Lannister, this work represents the artist’s early attempts to merge Baroque neoclassicism with Renaissance neo-hyperthyroidism. We swear this Virgin Mary is totally different from the 139 others you’ve seen.
Side note: No matter where we went, many of the nude male statues were missing certain bits. I found this fascinating, despite my new wife’s exasperation every time I pointed it out. Apparently, someone freaked out at all the nudity and tried to take action. (Nobody let my mom in there, did they?)
On that note, let’s talk about another of Italy’s major contributions to Western society. If you’ve never had gelato in Italy, especially Florence, you’ve never had gelato. It’s a sort of really soft ice cream, hand made from angel tears and 100% real fruit. (I think it’s organic, too. They only use free-range, pesticide-free angels.) We started off with gelato once a day, then progressed to twice a day, and we were up to three times a day by the time we left. I think both of us were secretly okay with four times a day, but we were reluctant to voice that opinion.
My favorite flavor was the fragola, or strawberry.
Our most invigorating experience in Florence came when we rented bikes and attempted a nice, pleasant ride through the city streets. I guess I had in mind an experience similar to the one I had in Austria last year, where there are dedicated bike lanes and the only danger is from absurdly fit septuagenarians who want to run you over. In Italy, however, I suspect motorists get tax breaks for each cyclist they maim. Whatever their incentive, I’m confident that drivers in Italy are actively trying to kill you. We learned this quickly as we wove through the narrow streets, dodging cars, motorcycles, and Florence’s cute little half-sized buses, which are still more than large enough to render any cyclist suddenly two-dimensional. Breanne compared it to a game of Mario Kart, which was an unsettling comparison for me given that I consider it a major accomplishment if I get anything other than last place in that game. Nevertheless, biking was one of our highlights. It really did get the adrenaline up.
Attractions seen in Florence: Duomo cathedral, dome, baptistery, bell tower, and museum; Accademia; Ponte Vecchio; Medici chapels, Uffizi Gallery; Galileo museum; Piazza Michelangelo; Palazzo Vecchio; Palazzo Pitti and gardens; Santa Croce
Rome
Speaking of wanton bloodshed, our first stop in Rome was the Coliseum. I apparently missed the memo that the purest tourist experience is as part of a gigantic tour group. We experienced them in Florence, but it wasn’t till Rome that tour groups really got on my nerves. It’s hard to get anywhere without a legion of squealing schoolchildren blocking your path. Once we got in, however, we saw the Coliseum is a grand old edifice so like our modern sports stadiums that while you’re pressing through the throngs in the lower levels, you can easily forget you’re not at the LaVell Edwards Stadium at BYU at halftime, trying to score an overpriced hot dog. Then you wander up into the sunlight, where you can imagine gladiators going to the deaths or Christians being fed to lions. Or in my case, you can imagine tour groups being fed to lions. Are you not entertained?
The Forum was less crowded, maybe because the Coliseum was too packed for most people to escape. It’s one of Rome’s most visited sites, and for good reason. The Forum was once the political center of Rome, bursting with temples, palaces, and thoroughfares. There’s enough left over that you can still fill in the gaps in the rubble with your mind, imagining a glorious empire at its zenith. It’s really quite something to behold, and I say that without an iota of facetiousness. Check this out:
There's a super famous Percy Shelley poem that makes the rounds in pop culture every few years. It was on Breaking Bad and one of the Alien movies. Anyway, it's what I was thinking about when I saw this place. It goes like this...
And on the pedestal these words appear:
"My name is Ozymandias, king of kings;
Look upon my works, ye Mighty, and despair!"
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.
We visited the Trevi Fountain, because I was informed it was in the Lizzie McGuire Movie and was therefore a must-see.
Another highlight of Rome is St. Peter’s Basilica. This may just be the most impressive church in the world. It’s so huge that you could fit at least six of the Salt Lake Temple right inside, by our estimation. (We live in Salt Lake City, so that’s our most readily available comparison.) Not only that, but every inch is covered in ornate scrollwork or gold or marble or some towering statue of a saint.
This picture doesn't really do it justice.
Less impressive, unfortunately, is the Vatican Museum. This sprawling complex had its moments, but we happened to be in Rome during Holy Week, which meant we were basically sharing the city with all of Catholicism, most of whom were in line with us. The Vatican Museum walks you through all the fancy art the Catholic Church mysteriously ended up with over the millennia (maybe all those ancient empires just left their priceless artifacts in the lost and found, who knows?), terminating at the Sistine Chapel. During peak season or Holy Week, visitors can stand in line for an hour or two for the privilege of squeezing even tighter into narrow corridors, vaguely aware of the art they can glimpse over other visitors’ heads.
I did enjoy the map room, where the crowd eased up long enough to enjoy these incredibly detailed room-high maps, which put any fantasy map I’ve ever seen to shame.
You can't see it here, but every little town is represented with a unique cluster of tiny buildings, each artfully detailed. It's incredible.
You can see the detail a bit more in this one.
I imagine that Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel to evoke a sense of reverent awe. Unfortunately, by the time you’ve been herded like cattle for upwards of two hours through densely crowded rooms, the chapel instead evokes a feeling of a very full bladder, accompanied by anger and vaguely murderous impulses directed toward the people blocking the exit.
Contrast that with Ostia Antica, a well-preserved port city an hour from Rome, where the crowds were sparse, the sun was shining, and you could basically walk wherever you wanted. You could sidle up to the bar in the ancient tavern, climb up onto the roof of the surviving apartments to get a better look, or walk along the mosaics in the public bathhouse. The atmosphere there is so relaxed that there was literally a class of high schoolers having some sort of talent show in the ancient amphitheater, which we discovered after wondering why a quartet of long-haired hoodlums were lip syncing to System of a Down in the middle of a bunch of Roman ruins.
You pretty much have free rein of the place, whether it's the sprawling cityscape...
...the ruins partially reclaimed by the earth...
...or the elaborate mosaics.
The Castle of the Angels, overlooking the Tiber, is also worth a visit. It used to be a fortress, then it was a hideout for the popes, and now it's a museum.
At the top of the castle is the Archangel Michael, depicted in the act of heroically slaying tour groups.
This is obviously a bust of the great Roman Emperor Voldemortus Tomriddlus.
Oh, one more thing in Rome.
They wouldn’t let us take pictures of the Capuchin Crypts, so I’ll supply some pictures from Google. We’re still a little hazy on how all these bones ended up there, but at some point some fun-loving person decided to take the bones of the deceased Capuchin monks and arrange them in interesting patterns. The result is some rather macabre art.
Nothing weird about this. (Photo from Wikimedia Commons.)
Nothing at all. (Photo from Wikimedia Commons.)
The creepiest part is the sign over the door:
What you are now, we once were; what we are now, you shall be.
I think that's a good place to end the blog post, don't you? Sleep well tonight.
Attractions seen in Rome: Pantheon, Coliseum, Forum, St. Peter's Basilica, Vatican Museum and Sistine Chapel, Castel Sant'Angelo, Spanish Steps, Capuchin Crypt, Trevi Fountain, Ostia Antica
