Originally published December 13, 2016.
I was tasked with writing the family Christmas card again this year. Here it is, in its joyfully hyperbolic entirety:
Hello! A full year—otherwise known as the time between new Star Wars movies—has passed since our last card, so it’s time to update you, our faithful Christmas card recipients, on the happenings in the lives of the Kunz family.
Eric's demanding job as a CPA necessitates his frequent trips to Salmon, Idaho, where he recovers from the rigors of work by engaging in the kind of hard-core fishing you usually associate with manfully bearded, dentally challenged, wild-eyed recluses named Earl or Jim Bob on the Discovery Channel. If you see him, tell him to come home and clean his fish.
Trisha performed in a local production of Dancing with the Stars. She dusted off long-retired dancing skills to capture the imagination of a small town before losing to the local Zumba instructor. If you think it sounds like the plot of some inspirational ‘80s cult classic with a Cyndi Lauper soundtrack, you’re not far off. You should probably buy the rights to make that movie before someone else does.
Ryan occasionally does some cool stuff at his ad agency but is still waiting for someone to pay him to write the stuff he really wants to write. He is an aspiring fantasy novelist, which means he can Google stuff like “how to preserve a severed head” and not feel weird about it. On a totally unrelated note, he’s not married.
Reilly is going to physical therapy school. His life got even busier this year when he and his wife Briana brought into the world the first Kunz grandchild, little McKay, who has quickly become everyone's favorite family member. He recently spoke his first words: “Let it be known that I, McKay Kunz, do hereby state without equivocation that Ryan is my favorite uncle.” He’s such a precocious little cutie, isn’t he?
Connor, if his Instagram is any indication, spends about 80 percent of his time hiking across spectacular alpine vistas. We think he also attends school at BYU-Idaho, too. We haven’t been able to prove conclusively that he’s skipping class to go mountaineering, but the wolves he hangs out with aren’t denying it.
Dillon is a sophomore at BYU-Idaho, where he keeps busy working three jobs and is soon transferring to BYU. However, his studies may have to be put on hold soon, as he was recently elected president of the United States this year and now holds supreme executive power in the most powerful country on Earth. Okay, maybe not, but you can’t tell me you wouldn’t prefer him to the people who actually ran. (Ooh, non-partisan political joke! Zing!)
This year Abigail claimed the title of Miss Idaho’s Most High Outstanding Grand Young Woman Chancellor of Supernal Distinguishment, or something like that. Honestly, it’s sorta hard to keep track of all of Abby’s achievements. These days, we just sorta go with it. Go, Abby!
Quinn, who runs cross country and pursues a photography hobby, is also about to cross the twin thresholds of adolescent achievement—driving and dating. Now that he has his learner’s permit, you should walk up to him and make a joke about how you’d better stay off the roads now. He’ll love that and commend you for your originality.
Well, that’s us—stay tuned for next year! Will Dad abandon his career and retreat into a cabin in the woods? Will Mom’s foray into the reality show scene lead to fame, fortune, and her eventual fall from grace, after which she'll appear on the actual Dancing with the Stars? Will Ryan meet the woman of his dreams, publish a bestseller, and finally grow a full beard? (Two out of three would be acceptable.) What happens to their relationship when Reilly and Briana find themselves expecting octuplets? Will Connor finally surrender to the call of the wild and run naked with his wolf pack? Can Dillon’s calm diplomacy defuse the tense situation in the Middle East? What rivals will Abby have to ruthlessly eliminate on her ascent to the top? Will Quinn woo all the ladies and get married before Ryan does? Find out in next year’s Christmas card!
